2009: Why Santa Tracker will lead to socialism (and other bad things)

Another year, another Christmas piece. This time it’s an op-ed on one of the most flagrant misuses of military resources and taxpayer money of the last half century. 

When I logged onto CNN this morning to check up on the world, an innocent little piece on NORAD’s Santa tracker caught my eye. For those of you who don’t know, you can track Santa’s journey each year at www.noradsanta.org. However, the more I read through this article the more angry I got. I came to see this program for what it really is: an irresponsible use of our nation’s military to allow the government to brainwash our children.

The first thing that shocked me was how this whole thing got started. Calls about Santa Claus first got directed to the military in 1955 because of a mistake in a Sears newspaper ad. Yet instead of hanging up on these annoying little brats asking about Santa’s progress, the military decided to devote mass amounts of resources to answer these calls. This was at the height of the Cold War! What if the Soviets decided to attack us? NORAD wouldn’t be able to warn Washington because their phone lines would be clogged up. Even worse it set the precedent for government bailouts of corporate failures. It was Sears’ fault that they put the wrong phone number in their ad. They should be the ones responsible for dealing with all the ruined childhoods.

Today, NORAD’s Santa tracking operations have evolved into an expensive, high tech bureaucracy of 1,275. Yet even more important than the manpower it consumes is the technological resources it draws away from vital national security operations such as border patrols and capturing terrorists. While NORAD uses satellites, radar, hidden cameras, and fighter jets follow Santa, they could be missing a nuclear missile launch from North Korea or Osama bin Laden leaving his cave for a smoke. What’s worse is NORAD broadcasts this data all over the Internet and on social networking sites so now the whole world knows about our top secret military surveillance technology.

All for what? To push the government’s pro-Google agenda on America’s children. Children are vulnerable and they will believe almost anything if you sneak your message to them in the guise of “Christmas.” By making them use Google Map to track Santa, the government is brainwashing them into thinking Google is the only search and mapping company out there. If the government continues to have its way, a whole generation of children will never know Bing, Yahoo!, or Mapquest. Pretty soon this country will turn into Russia where people give up all their privacy to Google and subscribe to Obama’s socialist agenda (via Google Reader).

Also what happened to separation of church and state? Why is the military only tracking Santa? What makes him so special? Shouldn’t it be tracking the tooth fairy and Easter bunny as well? What about a map that shows all the menorahs in the world? Or a tally of all the Festivus poles? Non-denominational holiday trees? This is another attempt by the religious right to use taxpayer money to push their beliefs onto others. If the military wants to track one holiday, it has to track them all.

So write to your senators and congressional representatives now and demand that they kill NORAD’s Santa tracker if you care about your child’s future. The post office is closed over the holidays, but you can reach them right NOW if you use Gmail. Go before it’s too late!

Obviously this is a piece of satire. The views expressed above are not indicative of my own and not all the so called “facts” are actual facts. To read the article itself (which is real and originally appeared on CNET), go tohttp://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/12/24/cnet.norad.santa.tracker/index.html

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