The Fellowship of the Ring of Fire

The following is another Colbert-style humor piece about the ongoing Icelandic volcanic eruption:

Readers, I am furious. Last weekend, I placed Iceland On Notice for screwing up my travel plans. Now, it appears that instead of heeding my threat to liquidate their entire country, these fiery fear mongers have decided to escalate the situation and spew out a new cloud of ash, simultaneously cancelling my parents’ flight and our trip to Paris. Well, two can play at that game, so I am striking back with a renewed eruption of stern words for Iceland. What I uncover this time will blow your mind.

Yesterday, I was following the media panic attack and I came across this picture of Eyjafjkdfjaj;lksd

At first it looked kind of cool, but then I thought, “Haven’t I seen this somewhere else before?”

Oh my God! Peter Jackson got it wrong: Iceland is Mordor! This is worse than I thought. They’re trying to take over the world! Now I know what you’re skeptical, and at first I didn’t believe it myself. But after taking a deeper look, it all makes sense now. You see, the economic crisis left Iceland with so much debt that they had no choice but to take over their creditors. Part one of that plan is to engulf the world in darkness with their own Mt. Doom. Need more proof? Why is the country so barren? How do we know the Icelandic capital, Reykjavik, isn’t really Minas Morgul. Take a look at this picture of the Church of Hallgrimur.

Remind you of anything?

If Icelandic President Olafur Grimsson isn’t really Sauron in disguise, why is he making the snow boil? Don’t tell me you can’t see the resemblance between Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir and Shelob. And how did we not suspect that Björk is an orc, it says it right in her name!

The good news in all this is that at least we now know how to permanently end this ash crisis. All we have to do is cast the One Ring of Power that rules them all into the fires of Eyjafjalldafads.

In order for this plan to work though, we have to act fast. The eye of Sauron is scanning away and it won’t be long before it zeros in on the euro-skeptics.

In the meantime, we’ve also found our solution for reviving air travel: giant eagles.

This is excellent news for the American economy because we are already the leading providers of giant Eagles, from my beloved Baldwin to Andy Reid. Finally we have a made in American product that the rest of the world wants!