I DECLARE VICTORY!

Part 3 of Icelandic volcano humor:

If you’ve been following this blog for the past few days, you’ll know that I’ve virtually declared war on Iceland and its mass travel plan disrupting, economic destruction causing volcano Eyja;dlkfd;afld. First, I borrowed a page from my good friend Stephen Colbert and placed Iceland On Notice. When they wouldn’t back down, I had to turn up the heat and reveal their dirty little secret: that Iceland is really Mordor. Well good news readers, because as of last night, most of European airspace was back up and running again including flights out of Heathrow airport here in London which means one thing:

Yes, it appears the pressure has finally gotten to these frozen consonant lovers and Iceland is finally getting its volcano under control. This could not come fast enough for the European airline industry which has lost a total of 1.1 billion pounds from this fiasco. That’s a lot of weight. Hopefully flights can start returning to their normal schedules soon; in other words delayed for 6 hours instead of 6 days.

You’re welcome Europe.

The Fellowship of the Ring of Fire

The following is another Colbert-style humor piece about the ongoing Icelandic volcanic eruption:

Readers, I am furious. Last weekend, I placed Iceland On Notice for screwing up my travel plans. Now, it appears that instead of heeding my threat to liquidate their entire country, these fiery fear mongers have decided to escalate the situation and spew out a new cloud of ash, simultaneously cancelling my parents’ flight and our trip to Paris. Well, two can play at that game, so I am striking back with a renewed eruption of stern words for Iceland. What I uncover this time will blow your mind.

Yesterday, I was following the media panic attack and I came across this picture of Eyjafjkdfjaj;lksd

At first it looked kind of cool, but then I thought, “Haven’t I seen this somewhere else before?”

Oh my God! Peter Jackson got it wrong: Iceland is Mordor! This is worse than I thought. They’re trying to take over the world! Now I know what you’re skeptical, and at first I didn’t believe it myself. But after taking a deeper look, it all makes sense now. You see, the economic crisis left Iceland with so much debt that they had no choice but to take over their creditors. Part one of that plan is to engulf the world in darkness with their own Mt. Doom. Need more proof? Why is the country so barren? How do we know the Icelandic capital, Reykjavik, isn’t really Minas Morgul. Take a look at this picture of the Church of Hallgrimur.

Remind you of anything?

If Icelandic President Olafur Grimsson isn’t really Sauron in disguise, why is he making the snow boil? Don’t tell me you can’t see the resemblance between Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir and Shelob. And how did we not suspect that Björk is an orc, it says it right in her name!

The good news in all this is that at least we now know how to permanently end this ash crisis. All we have to do is cast the One Ring of Power that rules them all into the fires of Eyjafjalldafads.

In order for this plan to work though, we have to act fast. The eye of Sauron is scanning away and it won’t be long before it zeros in on the euro-skeptics.

In the meantime, we’ve also found our solution for reviving air travel: giant eagles.

This is excellent news for the American economy because we are already the leading providers of giant Eagles, from my beloved Baldwin to Andy Reid. Finally we have a made in American product that the rest of the world wants!

Iceland: You’re on Notice!

The following is a fun and mildly satirical post meant soley for the sake of humor:

Well, this was supposed to be my post about all the fun stuff I did in Dublin, but thanks to a certain volcano, I won’t be talking about how pretty the Book of Kells are or how cool it was to drink Guinness at the Guinness Brewery or how friendly the Irish are in general. Nope, because of Eyjafjallajokull, my chances of going to Dublin this year have probably been blown away for good (pun intended) and it leaves me with a lot of anger (as well as a useless Stansted Express return ticket). So I’m going to take a page from my fellow Stev(ph)en, Stephen Colbert and put Iceland On Notice.

Yes readers, the island nation once best known for being easily confused by school children with Greenland has been in the news for all the wrong reasons. Over a year and a half ago during the height of the financial crisis, Iceland first made headlines when the collapse of its three major banks threatened to bankrupt the entire country. At one point, the country was ready to liquidate Björk to pay off its debts. Now, as if that episode didn’t induce enough panic into the world, Iceland is at it again, only this time it’s not just toxic debt they’re unleashing on the rest of the world. The continuous eruption of a volcano under the Eyjafjalla…da;kfja;dlkfjdas;lkfl glacier is spewing giant clouds of ash that have been cancelling flights all over Northern Europe since Thursday. Looks like someone fell behind on their volcano default swap payments.

Readers, the timing for this eruption could not be worse. This cloud of terror is not only a buzzkill for the remainder of my spring break travel plans, it is hurting the European airline and tourism industry just as the weather is clearing up and peak travel season is beginning. If this goes on too much longer, many American study abroad students will be stuck in Europe! That’s awful. They have free healthcare here (read: death panels)! And guess who they’re going to kill first (especially if USA beats England in World Cup group play)? It’s not just Americans who are struggling in this crisis. Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg has had to run his government on an iPad because he’s stuck in the U.S. An iPad! It doesn’t even have a webcam! How is he going to Skype-chat with his cabinet? At least get the man a netbook.

Iceland, this is unacceptable. Didn’t your mother ever tell you to keep your volcanic ash to yourself? Just because no one is taking you up on your offer to see your glaciers and hot springs doesn’t mean you have to the right to take it to them. Also, if you’re going to cause a global travel crisis, at least have a mountain with a name that people can pronounce! Eyjafjallad;lfkdjf? Who came up with that? A three year old at a computer? Hey look, I can speak Icelandic too: “A;dlf f;dalkfjda; daf;lkdjf;ldak eqpioud dflkjda;jbad dfadlfkdjkfjdk!” In fact, I’m surprised your country is called Iceland, and not D;alfkjda-land.

Well Iceland, I’m going to give you one chance to make this right. You know how the old saying goes? “You break it, you buy it.” Well, in this case, “You cancelled my flight, you buy it.” I am proposing we make Iceland pay for all the cancelled flights, economic losses, and broken dreams as long as this second hand volcano smoke is a problem. And if they can’t afford it? We’ll repossess the entire country and each of us will get a piece of the island until Iceland no longer exists. Don’t worry though, I’m sure Goldman Sachs has hedged its bets for that scenario.