Iceland: You’re on Notice!

The following is a fun and mildly satirical post meant soley for the sake of humor:

Well, this was supposed to be my post about all the fun stuff I did in Dublin, but thanks to a certain volcano, I won’t be talking about how pretty the Book of Kells are or how cool it was to drink Guinness at the Guinness Brewery or how friendly the Irish are in general. Nope, because of Eyjafjallajokull, my chances of going to Dublin this year have probably been blown away for good (pun intended) and it leaves me with a lot of anger (as well as a useless Stansted Express return ticket). So I’m going to take a page from my fellow Stev(ph)en, Stephen Colbert and put Iceland On Notice.

Yes readers, the island nation once best known for being easily confused by school children with Greenland has been in the news for all the wrong reasons. Over a year and a half ago during the height of the financial crisis, Iceland first made headlines when the collapse of its three major banks threatened to bankrupt the entire country. At one point, the country was ready to liquidate Björk to pay off its debts. Now, as if that episode didn’t induce enough panic into the world, Iceland is at it again, only this time it’s not just toxic debt they’re unleashing on the rest of the world. The continuous eruption of a volcano under the Eyjafjalla…da;kfja;dlkfjdas;lkfl glacier is spewing giant clouds of ash that have been cancelling flights all over Northern Europe since Thursday. Looks like someone fell behind on their volcano default swap payments.

Readers, the timing for this eruption could not be worse. This cloud of terror is not only a buzzkill for the remainder of my spring break travel plans, it is hurting the European airline and tourism industry just as the weather is clearing up and peak travel season is beginning. If this goes on too much longer, many American study abroad students will be stuck in Europe! That’s awful. They have free healthcare here (read: death panels)! And guess who they’re going to kill first (especially if USA beats England in World Cup group play)? It’s not just Americans who are struggling in this crisis. Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg has had to run his government on an iPad because he’s stuck in the U.S. An iPad! It doesn’t even have a webcam! How is he going to Skype-chat with his cabinet? At least get the man a netbook.

Iceland, this is unacceptable. Didn’t your mother ever tell you to keep your volcanic ash to yourself? Just because no one is taking you up on your offer to see your glaciers and hot springs doesn’t mean you have to the right to take it to them. Also, if you’re going to cause a global travel crisis, at least have a mountain with a name that people can pronounce! Eyjafjallad;lfkdjf? Who came up with that? A three year old at a computer? Hey look, I can speak Icelandic too: “A;dlf f;dalkfjda; daf;lkdjf;ldak eqpioud dflkjda;jbad dfadlfkdjkfjdk!” In fact, I’m surprised your country is called Iceland, and not D;alfkjda-land.

Well Iceland, I’m going to give you one chance to make this right. You know how the old saying goes? “You break it, you buy it.” Well, in this case, “You cancelled my flight, you buy it.” I am proposing we make Iceland pay for all the cancelled flights, economic losses, and broken dreams as long as this second hand volcano smoke is a problem. And if they can’t afford it? We’ll repossess the entire country and each of us will get a piece of the island until Iceland no longer exists. Don’t worry though, I’m sure Goldman Sachs has hedged its bets for that scenario.