2012: Mitt Romney Takes on Santa

For this year’s Christmas satire, I wanted to take one last look at the 2012 Presidential Election and Governor Mitt Romney.

After a hotly contested election, Mitt ultimately fell short of his goals. With his political career in the U.S. all but over, the former governor turned north for a fresh start. In early December 2012, Mr. Romney announced he would be challenging Santa Claus for the North Pole presidency. The following transcript is taken from a speech Mr. Romney gave at a fundraiser held by Frosty and his SuperPAC, Snowmen for Prosperity.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I’m Mitt Romney and I have to say, gosh darn-it it feels good to be here at the North Pole. I was born in Michigan and this place reminds me a lot of my home state. There’s something about the North Pole that just feels right. The candy canes are just the right height and the snow is just the right shade of white. And the people, oh the people are some of the nicest I’ve met anywhere in the world. In fact, the Romneys have a lot in common with North Poles: Ann drives a couple of sleighs. I eat my figgy pudding just like you.

What I want to talk about tonight is taking this country back from Santa’s liberal agenda and returning to traditional North Pole values of hard work and spreading cheer. There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for Santa no matter what. There are 47 percent who are dependent upon handouts, who believe that because it’s Christmas they are entitled to gifts like toys, sweaters, a Lexus, you name it. Forty-seven percent of North Poles don’t go Christmas shopping at all. My role is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and buy their own presents.

Recently, we’ve seen a lot of the elves blame snowmen for the economic downturn and fiscal troubles, saying that your kind continues to do well while the elves at the Workshop suffer. Well, I have something to say to those folks. Snowmen are people my friend. They create jobs. Someone has to roll them up into giant snow balls and then put decorations on them. Rocks for their eyes, mouth and coat buttons. A carrot for a nose. A hat and a scarf so they don’t get cold. Those jobs put money into the pockets of ordinary people. Snow shouldn’t be taxed at a different rate just because it happens to fall from the sky.

If elected president, the first thing I will do is cut funding to Christmas movies. I like Christmas movies, I love “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” I even kind of like “It’s a Wonderful Life” but I’m not going to borrow money from China for Snoopy and more remakes of “A Christmas Carol.” I will run the North Pole like a business and shrink the size of government. If any reindeer isn’t pulling his weight, I will fire them. I like being able to fire animals that pull my sleigh.

In order to revive our economy, I’m going to get government out of people’s lives and let the private sector do its job. What is Santa doing up on the housetop? Why is he watching you when you’re sleeping? He doesn’t need to know if you’ve been bad or good- let the free market decide. Santa Claus should not be in the business of telling people to get health insurance or children not to pout.

I believe in the North Pole. I believe that with the right leadership and the right policies, we can make the Christmas spirit a reality again. If you want to restore this great nation to its frozen glory I ask you for your support and to vote Mitt Romney. Now if you’ll join me, let’s celebrate the holiday season with a rendition of “The Christmas Song.”

This piece does not reflect my views on politics, Christmas, or Mitt Romney. It is intended purely for comedic relief.