2011: Police Evict Occupy Protesters on Eve of Christmas Holiday

Christmas satire: you know the drill. This year was almost too easy. Once again, this piece is purely for comical purposes and does not reflect my personal views about Christmas, the Occupy movement, or anything else for that matter.

(North Pole) – Protesters from the Occupy North Pole movement were evicted by police from their campsite in northern Greenland after several warnings from local authorities. Witnesses reported a few skirmishes between police and protesters. Demonstrators threw snowballs at riot police, who reciprocated with pepper spray and batons. Several arrests were made, but as of midnight Christmas morning the area was cleared.

The protest, which began on Black Friday is an off-shoot of the Occupy Wall Street movement that has sprung up all around the world. The North Pole protest is mostly made up of disgruntled elves from Santa’s Workshop but also includes atheists, scrooges, and grinches. Although they have been vague about any specific demands, protesters have rallied around the slogan “We are the 99%,” referring to the gross inequality between the top earners and the rest of North Pole society. In particular, Santa Claus has become a target of ONP’s grievances. Several protesters held signs asking Santa to return all his profits from Christmas.

“It’s time we stopped coddling the fat cats in the workshop. I mean literally, have you seen the waistline on Santa? He should really think about losing some weight,” said one protester on the ONP Facebook page.

“The 1%, or Santa, controls a disproportionate amount of wealth and power in the North Pole,” said an ONP spokeself. She pointed to a statistic that 70% of Christmas carols are about Santa. “There are a few about Frosty and Rudolph, but how many songs are about elves? None! The most famous Christmas elf is Buddy and he’s not even a real elf. Even snow and trees- inanimate objects- get more love than we do. It’s like we don’t exist!”

Although called Occupy North Pole, the ONP encampment was actually located on the northern tip of Greenland. Protesters were forced to move further south because the polar ice caps at the actual North Pole were too thin for such a large gathering to take place. Since last week though, tensions started rising between the protesters and the Danish government, which owns Greenland.

“We respect Occupy North Pole’s right to assemble and express their views, but none of the protesters have visas. They are here illegally so we kindly ask them to leave Greenland or face deportation,” Danish authorities said in a written statement. The protesters argued that no one lives in northern Greenland anyway.

The ONP protesters came out for a variety of reasons but the predominant issue appeared to be economic. As a result of globalization and the weak economy, many workshop elves have been laid off and seen their savings disappear.

“I used to have a good paying job building toys in Santa’s Workshop, but now that job has been outsourced to a factory in China,” said one unemployed elf. “Santa is only focused on profits, he doesn’t care about us. We want him to be accountable to the North Pole people.” The elf said if he couldn’t find a job by New Year’s, he would go down south after the holidays to look for work baking cookies in trees.

Others complained about the death of the Christmas spirit. “Christmas used to be a special time of year, a time when you would be rewarded if you were good all year,” said an older protester. “Now it’s commercialized and all about profit. Do we really need five golden rings? Eight geese a laying? It’s excessive.”

Conservative critics have countered ONP’s claims, arguing that the wealthy create jobs during Christmas time. “Of course I’m a job creator,” said one holiday shopper. “In the last twelve days, I gifted 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leaping, 9 ladies dancing, and 8 maids a milking. That’s 50 jobs right there.”

The protests also attracted some more extreme demonstrators. An anti-immigration elf held a sign saying “Not a Feliz Navidad.” Several animal rights activists wore “Free Rudolph” shirts.

Despite the eviction, the official ONP Twitter feed posted a defiant message this morning. “The 99% cannot be stopped. Protest will continue in Canada after X-mas #ONP”

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