It’s that time of year again: Christmas satire! The combination of Christmas spirit, more free time, and the end of a year gets my satirical creative juices flowing for another politically toned take on Christmas. As always, this is purely for amusement and not a reflection of my personal views about politics, WikiLeaks, or Christmas. And in case you were wondering, I have not read the original leaked documents. Enjoy!
WikiLeaks Releases Thousands of Classified Christmas Documents
(North Pole) – The website WikiLeaks released thousands of new classified North Pole documents today, providing an inside look into the secretive world of Santa’s workshop and Christmas politics. WikiLeaks published millions of entries from the Workshop’s top secret Naughty List which indicates who will get lumps of coal this year. The dump comes after Santa ignored an ultimatum from WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange to answer criminal charges for an alleged hit and run.
“While Santa and his helpers have been anticipating this moment, we are still disgusted by what appears to be one man’s personal crusade against Christmas,” said a spokes-elf at a North Pole press conference today. “Mrs. Claus is on the phone right now with children from around the world to apologize for Mr. Assange’s irresponsible actions. The three words that best describe him are as follows, and I quote, ‘stink, stank, stunk!’”
Mr. Assange could not be reached for comment, but he did post the following message to his Twitter page: “Fa la la la la suckers: It’s going to be a nightmare before Christmas at the North Pole!” The source of these leaks is reported to be a disgruntled rogue elf who has since been detained by North Pole authorities. The elf’s name has not been released.
A significant portion of Santa’s Naughty List was obtained by WikiLeaks earlier this year and shared with The New York Times, The Guardian, and Der Spiegel. The leak confirmed what Christmas experts have long suspected about certain members of the Naughty List. Some entries published by The New York Times include: “Billy the bully is dumb as a rock and really insecure on the inside,” “Suzy might be the most popular girl at school, but she’s a cut throat bitch with no real friends,” and “We all know Joey’s smart, but why does he have to rub it in everyone’s faces? He just makes everyone else look bad.”
“The leaks will not mean the end of Christmas. It was common knowledge that Santa had a Naughty List. It is however a big embarrassment for the North Pole that the big reveal came before Christmas morning. It kind of ruins the surprise,” said Christmas expert Bing Crosby.
Workshop workers were told not to read the WikiLeaks cables if they wished to keep their jobs. Sources confirm that the WikiLeaks and New York Times websites have been blocked at the North Pole.
Public opinion about Mr. Assange has been mixed. Some have hailed him as a defender of free speech and for revealing abuses of power. However, he has also been criticized for his insensitivity and indiscriminate methods.
“I’m all for transparency and open information, but some aspects of Christmas are meant to be secret and logic defying. I mean talking snowmen, glowing reindeer, and flying sleighs? Crazy, I know, but how’s the big guy supposed to do his job without some trade secrets?” asked Scott Calvin, an advertising executive.
Mr. Assange has his own team of helpers though. A group of online WikiLeaks supporters known only as “Anonymous” created a Facebook group this morning calling for a DDoC, or Distributed Denial of Chimney attack. The group asked members to board up their fireplaces so that Santa could not enter their homes on Christmas Eve. “THIS IS WAR!” posted the group’s admin, which was “liked” by 1500 users.
This latest dump came after a separate leak 12 days ago showed a possible cover-up by Santa’s helpers in a 1979 hit and run. Those documents feature allegations from an unidentified man that his grandma was run over by a reindeer. While Santa’s official statement was that he was not in the area at the time of the accident, police took a statement from a neighbor who saw her mommy kissing Santa Claus on the same day. The North Pole has refused to comment about the case.
While the Christmas controversy may blow over after December 25th, Mr. Assange has recently stated that he has new “damning” evidence of criminal activity by the Easter Bunny during the salmonella egg recall of 2010. Assange said these documents will be released in late spring of 2011.
For now, the North Pole s still trying to contain the current situation with just a few days left until Christmas. “The fact that these cables were released so close to Christmas goes entirely against the spirit of the holiday,” said the spokes-elf. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.”