Here’s a last minute Christmas gift for all you political junkies out there. I’ve been coming up with ideas for over a week now and yeah I’m kind of bored. Disclaimer: This is meant to be purely comical and not an indication of my political beliefs in any way.
Is Santa a Democrat or Republican? Let’s take an issue by issue look:
Santa is a big fan of the free market and laissez faire capitalism. There’s a reason why his workshop is located at the North Pole: he’s free from any government taxation and regulation. If he were to operate out of the U.S., he would be in violation of anti-trust laws. His operation would probably be divided into several smaller regional companies like AT&T was divided into the Baby Bells. Also Santa would have to pay tariffs on all the gifts he delivered in Canada and Mexico were it not for NAFTA. Santa’s operating costs would skyrocket and you’d see a lot more unemployed elves wandering around our streets.
Santa is not a big fan of the bailout. Santa has operated independently through thick and thin without any assistance from the government. The tooth fairy though has been asking for a federal loan to keep afloat as the price of teeth has not kept up with inflation.
It doesn’t get more obvious than this. Santa was the first in the world to gather intelligence using warrant less wiretaps. “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Maybe the NSA should hire him as a part-time consultant during the summer.
Santa is very environmentally conscious. If you think about it, Santa’s sleigh is the ultimate zero-emissions vehicle because it emits absolutely nothing (except an occasional reindeer dropping). Yet it can safely travel wintry weather at incredibly high speeds. Santa is also very concerned about climate change because his real estate is literally floating out to sea.
This one isn’t as obvious as you think. While free gifts on Christmas would seem like the ultimate handout, he only gives presents out to those on the nice list. So yes, it’s a handout, but it’s more like a work subsidy to reward those with good behavior. The bad kids get a lump of coal, although in this economic situation I would actually consider it a gift given the value and utility of coal (I would assume it’s clean coal given what was established above). Santa needs to reconsider his naughty list policy. Might I recommend stuffing their stockings with mortgage backed securities?
With that many elves working in the workshop, probability says there has to be some batting for the other team. Further proof: have you seen the way elves dress?
Santa thinks we don’t need social security. Old people can and should work. Santa’s older than any of us and he’s still working. Any plans for retirement have been put off after Santa’s 401(k) lost 80% of its value in September and the North Pole’s endowment became a victim of Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme.
The North Pole is very open to immigrants. They took in Buddy, a human and raised him as one of their own in the movie Elf. However, since the North Pole is not a big destination for illegal immigrants, one has to wonder if they’ll change their stance on amnesty if more people start showing up.
There are currently no abortion clinics at the North Pole. However, given how long Santa and Mrs. Claus have been married, they must use some kind of birth control if they have no reported children.
All elves receive the same primary education. It is primarily vocation oriented, meant to increase their productivity in Santa’s workshop. There are no other options such as private schools. Despite all kinds of affirmative action programs, there are no elves in any major American universities.
North Pole elves have tried unsuccessfully to unionize over the years. However, Santa does treat his workers relatively well and working conditions are considerably better than those of the Keebler elves. Santa’s workshop is complies fully with fire code.
Nuclear energy is a clean and safe alternative fuel for the future. Plus, Santa doesn’t think a little radiation is all bad. Just look at Rudolph.
Santa is purely secular. However he does get annoyed when people try to take Christmas trees down from public places in the name of secularism.
On a clear day, Sarah Palin can see the North Pole from her house. Santa is a big fan of Obama’s message of hope, but he’s also an old white man like John McCain. This one might ultimately come down to Mrs. Claus, who’s a disgruntled Hilary supporter.
Santa wears a red suit.
So it looks like it comes down to a tie between pro-Democratic and pro-Republican issues. If you look again though, it appears as if Santa generally goes Republican on the economic issues and Democratic on social issues. He is also undecided on the two parties’ presidential candidates. What does this mean? Santa is most likely a Libertarian. So there you go Libertarians, you can claim Santa for your side. Too bad the North Pole has no electoral votes.