Couldn’t resist pulling together another edition of Christmas satire with more bad puns, holiday references, and current events. This year I’m going with arguably the biggest story of the second half of the year, the Obamacare rollout. Lots of new jokes to explore here. As always this is purely for fun and NOT meant to be a political statement for or against the Affordable Care Act.
Merry Christmas and enjoy!
(NORTH POLE) – Santa Claus came under fire again today after it was revealed that millions of people would lose their presents on January 1st, despite previous promises from the administration that it would not happen. This is the latest setback in the troubled rollout of Santa’s controversial signature legislation, The Affordable Gift Act (AGA), more popularly known as “Santacare.”
The gifts being discontinued in the new year are ones that do not meet the minimum standards set out by Santacare. While popular with lower income shoppers because they are cheap, recipients are sometimes disappointed when they find holiday sweaters, Nickelback CDs, or fruitcake under the tree. Under the AGA, these shoppers will have to purchase better presents. This is despite Santa promising earlier this year that “Ho, ho ho, if you like your current present, you can keep it!”
Today’s controversial announcement comes less than a month after the disastrous launch of Santa Claus’s Christmas website presents.gov. The site was designed to let Christmas shoppers post their wish lists and shop for presents, but it has been marred by technical problems since Black Friday. With only a few shopping days left until Christmas, some are wondering whether they will be able to get all their presents in time.
Critics of the law have pointed to the website’s troubles as a sign of the impracticality of such an ambitious law. “Giving presents to every person in the world? That’s impossible! That’s not what Christmas is all about,” said outspoken Santacare opponent Ebenezer Scrooge.
On both sides of the aisle, there have been calls for the North Pole to delay Christmas until February so shoppers will have more time to select their gifts. Even supporters of the law worry that not enough children will sign up to make the law work. Santacare relies on the Christmas cheer of children to balance out the humbuggery of adults.
So far, Santa has maintained that Christmas will remain on December 25th and that delaying the holiday until February could potentially create confusion with Valentine’s Day. The North Pole announced last week that they were bringing in Silicon Valley’s brightest minds for a “tech surge” to fix presents.gov. In the meantime, shoppers can still send their Christmas wish lists in the form of a written letter to Santa. Additionally, there are over 5,000 trained mall Santas in cities across the world that can help shoppers navigate what they want for Christmas.
Technology experts have pointed out that presents.gov likely was doomed to fail before it even launched. The website had to be available in every language on earth and connect to the antiquated Naughty or Nice database in order to verify gift eligibility. Presents.gov was built by CGI, the same Canadian company that built most of the ill-fated healthcare.gov website.
Even if the site improves before Christmas, Santa still has a lot of work left to convince his critics this law will work. “There is a lot of heat on Santa right now,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “His chestnuts are definitely roasting on an open fire.”